She was ok for a day or so, on the 16th she was wandering around as normal, although still wobbly, but much better than she was. She sat in front of the fire, and came up on my lap for a cuddle. She had quite a bit to eat over the day and was drinking well.
Then on the 17th she had another funny turn. It was Sunday again so I put her back in the bedroom and nursed her as well as I could. Making sure she was eating and drinking, I blitzed her chicken into a paste to make it easier for her to eat.
On the 18th I was sat in the lounge watching a bit of TV and heard Smokey crying so loudly in the bedroom, I went in and she was wobbling all over looking so confused, when she saw me she wobbled her way over to the door and made her way through the lounge into the dining room, and to the litter box and tried to get in, she couldn't so I lifted her in, she looked up at me with such relief while she had a pee, bless her, she obviously tried to get in the one in the bedroom but couldn't. She then had a few tiny bits of chicken and a right old drink of water. She then went and laid on her cushion in front of the TV purring to herself. I did a lot of research on the web about Vidalta and found that that lots of cats have had similar episodes after taking these tablets, so decided that Smokey wasn't having anymore of them. After spending over a week crying because my baby was ill, I was now also crying with anger that nothing was said to me about possible side effects.
On the 19th Smokey was very quiet, she was laid in the lounge under the radiator, she got up a few times and had a tiny amount to drink but wouldn't take any food whatsoever. I was leaving her in peace as much as possible. I was constantly checking on her and leaving her alone if she was sleeping, but if she was awake I was sneaking in lots of kisses and telling her how much I loved her. She was purring in response. At around 4:30pm when I checked on her she tried to get up for a drink and her front legs gave way under her, she looked and me with such sad eyes and cried like a baby. I immediately rang the vet and asked for an appointment. I was asked to go in at 5:30.
I got Smokey into her box and she cried like a baby all the way to the vets. She never normally cried like that, she was such a good girl so I knew all was not well. I got to the vets a bit early as there wasn't much traffic. I sat in the waiting room with her on my lap stroking her and telling her how much I loved her, she wasn't purring which was so unusual for Smokey, she was always happy and even more so when she was being stroked.
We were then called into the room and when the vet saw her she was very concerned, she weighed her and the little bit of weight she put on last week was gone as was some more, she only weigh 1.9kgs. The vet said it was because she was dehydrated and the weight she had lost was water. She said they could admit her to hospital and put her on a drip but the likelihood of her pulling through wasn't good. She said she was more than likely going to die. She asked if that was what I wanted, and of course I said I didn't want my baby to die in a strange place on her own. We talked a while and again I voiced my opinion about the Vidalta doing this to her, the vet said it was possible that my beautiful baby had a bad reaction to them, but in all fairness she was a very old lady. After a while the vet asked again what I wanted to do, I threw the question back at her asking what she would do, and she said that Smokey had had a very good life and it was a shame for her to end it suffering or alone.
I held tightly onto Smokey telling her how much I loved her and showered her with kisses, while I tried to make my mind up what to do. Eventually I came to the awful decision it was time to say goodbye. OMG, this is so hard to write, I'm in floods of tears. I told the vet my decision and she asked if I wanted to stay with her, well of course I did. So I held my beautiful baby in my arms, and while the vet shaved a bit of fur off of her leg I was telling her how much I loved her and that it was time to say goodbye, I told her I had tried so hard to make her better but I was so sorry we couldn't do anymore. Then vet then administered to injection while I was telling Smokey to have sweet dreams and kissing her little head. I'm going to have to come back to this later, it's still far too much for me to cope with, and I can barely see through the tears.
I've tried so many times to come back to this, I can't believe how hard it is for me to write.
Smokey passed away in my arms and my heart broke. I held in in my arms telling her how sorry I was that I couldn't make her better.
(I can't believe how hard this is for me to write, I have come back to it so many times over the months since Smokey went to Rainbow Bridge, and every time I have tried I have ended up in buckets of tears. I know the illnesses I have, M.E, Fibromyalgia, spondylosis etc have a lot to do with me not coping too well with grief as all my conditions become worse with stress and upset. But not I know I have to finish this and get it out there as if it helps one person then my pain won't be in vain.)
So lets try. I had my beautiful girl in my arms as she slipped away with me telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was I couldn't make her better. I have done this before with a cat I had since childhood, but nothing can prepare you for this. The vet had a stethoscope against Smokey's heart and told me it had stopped beating, by then I was in so much distress I thought I was going to pass out. The vet told me to sit down which I did but couldn't let go of my baby. I was cuddling her and still telling her how sorry I was when she seemed to take a breath, I said to the vet she is breathing but the vet explained to me this is just her body expelling any air left in her, she also said she may urinate or poo so asked me to put her on the table. I did this but still couldn't stop stroking her. The vet was so good and told me I could stay as long as I needed to. The vet asked me what I wanted to do with Smokey and I told her I wanted her to have a personal cremation and that I wanted her ashes at home with me, so we looked at the brochures and chose an urn for her. I then said my last goodbye to my old girl and the vet told me not to bother going to reception, just to leave and I could pay the bill when I was upto it.
I really don't know how I drove home, I don't remember the journey, all I remember is the floods of tears and going into the house with an empty cat carrier. I was greeted by Blue and Belle who were very confused to see the empty carrier. Both of them were crying and looking for Smokey. When I sat down Blue came to me with those sad eyes of hers and tried to comfort me like she does when I'm ill, and I could hear Belle pushing the carrier around and crying for Smokey. I don't know how long I sat for before I could gather the strength to call my mum to tell her, she was so upset that I was as upset as I was and asked if I wanted her to come round until Dave got home from work, I told her I would be ok. I just sat in a daze crying for hours, not able to eat or drink or concentrate on anything. Dave got home from work and was very quiet when he came through the door, he came into the lounge and knew as soon as he looked at me. I had to tell him what I had done and he was so upset, he said he had wished he had been able to say goodbye to Smokey. I felt so guilty and said I would ring the vets and ask them not to send Smokey away until he had been to say goodbye but he said he couldn't see her dead, he wanted to say goodbye before she passed. That made me feel even more guilty than I already did. The rest of the evening went by in a blur of tears, and I cried myself to sleep that night.
The day after Dave tried to get hold of his boss to take the day off but couldn't so had to go in, luckily when he got there and told his boss, he sent him straight home to be with me. When I went to feed the cats that morning I did the usual 3 bowls of food then realised I would only need two :'(
I kept thinking I'd done the wrong thing and couldn't get out of my head how after she had gone she had moved her leg, took a breath and opened her mouth. The vet had said it was normal but it had hurt so much, as I thought it was like she was fighting to stay with me. Blue was really sad too, she kept going to the carrier and howling at it, then pushing it around looking for her mum. Then she was going to the spot under the radiator where Smokey laid and looked at me confused and with those sad eyes. Smokey's bestie Belle was ever so quiet, she must have been devastated.
Smokey cuddled up with her bestie Belle
There were lots of cuddles going around that day between me, Dave, Blue and Belle. Dave was saying how sad it was that Smokey wouldn't be around when the extension was finished as she would have loved to have run around that big room, and lay in front of the windows with the sun coming in.
The next few weeks were much a repeat of the day after Smokey left us, I cried nearly all day every day, and poor Belle was really suffering. Belle doesn't meow much, she just make a sweet little noise, but she kept going to Smokey's favourite spot and meowing so loud then coming and looking for me.
I think about a month went by before I stopped crying every day and night, then it was just occasionally when I thought about her, or someone asked about her.
Now months down the track I still miss her so much and still cry for her, she was so adorable and loving to me, it is like I've lost a part of me, and I don't think I will ever get over her loss. I made her a beautiful box for her ashes and it sits on the mantle piece so she is with us all of the time. There is also a little bit of her fur in there.
I still have her food bowls, and her cushions in my bedroom and can't bear to part with them. A few weeks ago I got out the cushions to give back to Belle to lay on, and because Smokey's fur is still on them I ended up in floods of tears and put them back away. Even now months down the track I still believe that Vidalta was the reason for Smokey's downfall and strokes, and ultimately her death. So please, please think carefully before allowing your cat to be put on this medication.
